unexpected.moments.

Cla-clink. Cla-clink. Cla-clink. 'What on earth is that noise?' I think to myself. While frantically looking around the school parking lot, past cars sheeted with fresh snow, I find a young man. A slightly tall, awkward young man struggling to walk on the icy pavement, one hand supporting a crutch under his arm and the other pulling the cheesiest rolling backpack I may have ever seen. But for some reason, I felt so compelled to help. Because that's who I am and I'm not ashamed to admit that — even though some days I am.

As I was having a battle in my head with myself, I decided to walk over and offer up my help. "Can I help you brush off your car?" I asked. His response? "I would love it if you could help!" Which was accompanied by one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen.

Turns out, because of his hurt leg, he could no longer use his stick-shift car so he was using his brother's car. His 'extremely unprepared brother' (his words, not mine) did not have a brush for this first 'official' snowfall in our beautiful mitten state. He was contemplating how he would even clean the car of that beautiful fluffy white stuff as I had approached. Have I ever mentioned how sad I find it when snow is disrupted? I love that it's so full and glittering and peaceful. I wish we never had to drive or walk through it and we could look at its beauty all day.

Anyway, we made small chit chat while I brushed off his car for him. He was mostly just in shock that someone was willing to take time out of their day to help him. I find this to be extremely saddening, too. Why can't we all show love? Every day? Every moment? It's so easy to do. And so rewarding. And that's how I want my life to be. Forever.

As I began to walk away he blurted out, "I'm Zach by the way!" I walked back to shake his hand (when did I become proper?) and introduced myself. He said how nice it was to meet me and wished me the happiest of Thanksgivings, with a slight bit of sadness in his eyes. And in seconds, we were off. Going our separate ways in the world, never knowing if those worlds would collide again.

Zach? Zack? I wanted to ask but knew it was not important. Why do we lose moments? Why do we allow ourselves to miss so many moments?

I could've asked him what kind of stick-shift car he had. I could've gone into how I've always wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift (on a side note, I sort of have I guess – thanks, Greg!). I wanted to ask what he had done to his leg. I wanted to ask if he was in pain. If he needed help with anything else.

I felt a strange connection. As if we had been friends for years and were just clicking back into our routine. Zach/k is someone I have never seen in my life and may never see again, as far as I know.

How is it that complete strangers, those who don't know my life story, my quirks, or my downfalls, see so much more in me than the closest people to me in my life?

And why does this keep happening to me lately? What are you trying to tell me, God? These words. The ones that keep spilling out of me must mean something. I don't know what to make of this 'something'.

words.

apathetic.
inferior.
ungifted.
insufficient.
mediocre.
unworthy.
inadequate.
uninspired.
ugly.
unintelligent.
lethargic.

when i try so hard to not be all that these words depict,
why do i feel every syllable like a sharp knife?

time.away.

You know those weekends that you know you'll never forget? The memories, the weather, your emotions, your happiness. This past weekend was exactly that. We didn't do anything super memorable or exciting to others, but it was so perfect.
I just love DC and my friends. Especially my friends.

bucket.list.

It is in times when I am so unsure of myself and everything around me that I take note. Take note of what and who are around me, what I want to do, what I have done (because sometimes I forget that I am an okay person who has done some pretty-okay things), where I want to be, and so much more.

So, here's what I want to do. ie. my bucket list.

- PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY ROAD TRIP. I just want to feel free and experience the beauty of California, Oregon and Washington.

- WORK ON DEAD DOG BEACH. Oh boy, that is for a whole other blog post.

- MOVE SOMEWHERE NEW. West coast, abroad, Chicago? Who knows. My heart needs change.

- SKYDIVE. Or bungee jump, or parasail, or zip line, or even paint balling. Just be spontaneous. I don't want to miss out on anything in this life.

- SHOOT A GUN. There's a new shooting range in town! heeyyyyyy.

- MINIMALISM. Oh my goodness, I am selfish. Why do I have so much shit? I want to give it all away. I don't need it. I could clothe too many families and give so many children shoes to walk in.

- LEARN TO SNOWBOARD. I hated skiing, but you never know, right?

- BACKPACK. Find my family's heritage. There's so much I don't know. And so much I want to learn.

- SEE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS. Thank you, God, for such beautiful wonders.

- KISS CAM AT A SPORTING EVENT. No explanation needed, right?

It's not much of my list-making, but it's a start. Until next time.

balancing.act.

I can't be the only twenty-something who struggles with keeping all facets of their life in balance, right?

Everyday it's a battle in my head which aspect gets first pick. How much time do I spend studying, writing papers, and completing all necessary assignments and group work? How much of both time and myself do I dedicate to my exhausting 'part-time' job? Do I give enough of my time to my boyfriend, friends, and family? What about myself? When do I get to be selfish and focus on my health or mental stability? What about relaxation?

I just can't seem to do it all. And what do I want to do now? Clean, organize and redecorate my room/life. Where do I start?